(or The Battle of the Bottles)
Book by Jon Robert Howe
Lyrics by C. Michael Perry & Jon Robert Howe
Music by C. Michael Perry
Two competing Medicine Shows: “Doc Holliday’s Electronic Medicine Show” vs. “Slickery Q. Slidey’s Toilet Water Tableaux”. They both sell Sasquatch C’lone, which they both claim to manufacture from a secret recipe. Doc sells bottle after bottle. Slickery sells … well, less than that, at least not at Doc’s price. Slickery is jealous, too jealous, because he is, after all, the bottler of all the C’lone ever made. He just can’t sell much of it to anyone but Doc, because Doc has the machine to distribute it: The Buckskin-Talky-Picture-In-A-Box, broadcast on the Saddle-light Broadcasting System, to cabins and fine homes across Pioneer America. Doc suspects something as Slickery carefully hides his alter-ego, Anhoser Babushka, the world famous inventor and bottler of the C’lone. The Battle of the Bottles winds its way through mayhem, hilarity, hokum and a lot of just plain downright fun, which includes side-splitingly embarrassing audience participation (a la Game Shows), until the bottles are in the hands of those who can keep the legend of the Sasquatch alive, the customers, and all are happy campers, uh, Frontiersmen, em, Pioneer Entrepreneurs of Titillating Tonsorial Delights.
NOTE: Sadly, Jon Robert Howe died in 2013 before completing the final draft of this delightful escapade. He had a totally unique sense of humor and a wry and fun-loving take on life. He is missed. But we are looking for someone to fill his shoes. If you or your theatre know of a cracker-jack improvisateur and playwright, we need them to help us finish this whacky musical. Please, contact us and lest work on this one together.
- THE CHARACTERS
The seven performers (including the pianist) are separated into two opposing troupes of players.
- THE HOLLIDAY TROUPE
- DOC HORATIO Q. HOLLIDAY [mid-40s] – an affable middle aged showman after the order of P. T. Barnum, but with a heart of gold. He is portly, a bit on the con-man side of scholarly and a gentleman with the ladies. He has a good sense of humor and a keen eye for what pleases a crowd. He has made his living traveling the West selling a little nostrum called “Sasquatch C’lone.” He believes his discovery will actually help people–but it is his medicine show–the marketing with a show that has really pulled in the profits. People buy the potion more to have the fun of watching the show-and not because they believe in what it does.
- LILLY VESUVIUS (a stage name for Mabel Eunice Flatbush) [17 or 18]– is the young lady of the Company. She reminds onlookers a little of Marilyn Monroe: a bit empty-headed with a deep seated passion. She is a niece to Doc Holliday–and she tempts and teases men in the audience and Romantique Esquire with a brand of frontier flirting that arouses their glands and confuses their minds. She is a bit like Judy Holliday and Gracie Allen…saying funny nonsequitors… and raising her eyebrows and her skirts at the same time. She will spend much of the show in bloomers–because Doc knows that a little skin above the knee is always good for some male tongue-wagging sales. Lilly was to be a dance hall girl before she threw in with Doc and Romantique … and she has a little book of goals she checks off at the most inopportune times. She’s smarter than she makes out to be and can sing a great throbbing torch song, which she does with ROSIE near the end of the show.
- ROSIE O’GRADY (a stage name for Rosamund Gertrude Flatbush — who knew?) [38-39]– a defector from SLICKERY to DOC; older and experienced, loves SLICKERY, but hates the way he treats her, she tolerates DOC because of the money he pays her. SHE and LILLY sing the big torch song near the end, which is a good thing as they discover they share a relationship.
- ROMANTIQUE ESQUIRE (or CAVIAR BEAUREGARD) [mid-20s] – is a sharpshooting gambler who has a past but he’s not telling anybody about it. He joined the Holliday Show just last week and Doc and Romantique are just getting to know each other. He thinks most women have straw in their heads… and he fights with Lilly … (though there is an odd attraction there)…as she outsmarts him from time to time and confuses him as much as she confuses the men in the audience who chase her. She willingly does the stunts that Romantique performs with his ‘Shooting irons’ and every once in a while she shows him up with some fancy trickery herself.
- SLICKERY’S GANG
- SLICKERY Q. SLIDEY [late 40s] – is a bully and a tough guy. He is actually the Gypsy Industrialist, Anhoser Babushka, (another moniker for Rudolph Silhan) in disguise. He can dance and sing. He is on a secret mission to steal the patent for the formula from his competition, Doc Holliday, who is the biggest distributor of “Sasquatch C’lone”, which SLICKERY (as ANHOSER) hates, since he manufactures the stuff. With the acquisition of Doc’s business, Babushka will have a complete monopoly on both the manufacture and distribution of Sasquatch C’lone. He leads a pack of malcontents whose talents for bumbling and mayhem are a mixed bag at best.
- ROSIE O’GRADY (a stage name for Rosie Gertrude Flatbush — who knew?) [38-39] – a defector from SLICKERY to DOC; older and experienced, loves SLICKERY, but hates the way he treats her, she tolerates DOC because of the money he pays her. SHE and LILLY sing the big torch song near the end, which is a good thing as they share a relationship.
- DULLARD WITLESS [early 20s] – is a kind hearted bumbler who has been on the trail most of his life drifting from that job to this. He is new to the Sasquatch C’lone quest … but has joined Slickery on a “so-What?” kind of whim. He reveals more talent for wit and making sense than he is given credit for during the course of the show.
- DOOFUS McGEE (stage name for William Silhan, who goes on to fame and fortune as the recipe holder for Coors Beer) [late 20s] – is actually Anhosers tag-along-son. He is treated worse than DULLARD is. He gets all the dirty jobs. He is the slave and resents it. He presents his new and improved recipe for the Toilet Water, to ANHOSER, who turns him down. DOOFUS then sells it to Adolph Coors, just out of spite and at the end of the show retires from the BABUSHKA Company.
- SOLO SORT OF
- THUMBS APLENTY [30-45] – is a piano-player gone sour. THUMBS (and SLICKERY) have always made off with everyone else’s material for much of their adult lives together, but SLICKERY never gave any credit, so THUMBS went solo. He has now been engaged by DOC. THUMBS and DOC, and sometimes SLICKERY, gang up on DULLARD–because he’s new to their vocation and because he’s so kind hearted. DULLARD does them in by the end of the performance … through which THUMBS plays piano most of the time … and yells rude things at LILLY.
- Frontier sets, costumes and props with plenty of anachronisms.
- About 80-90 minutes, depending on audience interaction segments
- Order # 3022
A Musical from the Premiere Musicals File, available for immediate production.
PERUSAL SCRIPT: The PDF of 1/2 of the script is available: SagaOfSasquatchPERUSAL
- THE STAR OF THE SHOW — COMPANY
- THE DIFFERENCE IS LIVIN’! — DOC & SLICKERY
- PONY EXPRESS — COMPANY
- HIGH ON MOUNTAIN GROAN — COMPANY
- TRAPPERS C’LONE — COMPANY
- THE GYPSY EMPIRE — SLICKERY and LILLY
- THIS IS YOUR WIFE — COMPANY
- THE ARMY USE — COMPANY
- BOTTLES ON THE TRAIL — COMPANY
- THE BIG TORCH SONG — ROSIE & LILLY (SOON)
- THE STAR OF THE SHOW — COMPANY
DEMO SONGS: rough mp3 demos of the songs
Any PDF purchased will be emailed to your email address — if you need to provide that to us (not the one on your PayPal account), EMAIL us. CDs will be mailed to a snail mail address. Before we ship any rehearsal material we will need your performance dates, the name of your organization and the theatre where you will perform.
- Performance License Application: No production rights can be granted until this application is filled out and sent to us. This is a filler form that after you click “SUBMIT” will send directly to our email address. Response averages 2-3 business days
- DEMO CD — Order #3022f : $6.00 (including shipping and sales tax, will be shipped by Media Mail)
- Script in PDF format — Order #3022a : $20.00 (will be sent to you by email, from which you will be authorized to print copies for your production)
- Vocal Book in PDF format — Order #3022b : $15.00 (will be sent to you by email, from which you will be authorized to print copies for your production)
- Piano-Vocal Score in PDF format — Order #3022c : $30.00 (will be sent to you by email, from which you will be authorized to print copies for your production)
- First Performance Amateur/Educational Royalty — Order #3022d : (will be quoted upon application, send email with your info, or use the License Application below)
- Second Performance Amateur/Educational Royalty — Order #3022e : (will be quoted upon application, send email with your info, or use the License Application below)
- Professional Royalties will be quoted upon application
- PREMIERE: just waiting for your theatre’s name here (a premiere production will be able to make special royalty arrangements with the authors)
The following is how the credits should read in all programs, posters, fliers, handbills and other promotional advertising for the show:
The Saga of Sasquatch C’lone
Doc Holliday’s Electronic Medicine Show
Book and Lyrics by
Jon Robert Howe
Music and Lyrics by
C. Michael Perry
NOTE: The names of the Playwright(s), Composer, Lyricist, and Bookwriter shall be equal in size, type, coloring, boldness, and prominence. No billing shall appear in type larger or more prominent than the billing to the Authors except for the title of the play.
“The Saga of Sasquatch C’lone” is presented through special arrangement with Leicester Bay Theatricals. All authorized materials are also supplied by LBT, www.leicesterbaytheatricals.com”
from the catalog of